Sometimes it’s not the situation that’s draining your energy, it’s the role you’ve stepped into. You want to talk to him about things that are important to you, things that have been on your mind for a while. Because you haven’t shared them yet, you feel a little distant. So when you finally find the courage to start the conversation, it turns out heavy, tense, or frustrating. Instead of feeling closer, like you want, the distance seems to grow and talking to him feels exhausting.
This often happens because either you or he, or both of you ,step into certain roles during conflict. These are the roles of the Drama Triangle:
The Rescuer
In this role, you try to fix someone else. You jump in because you believe you can solve the problem or take care of someone’s feelings.
How it sounds:
“I’ll just do it myself.”
“If I don’t step in, it won’t get done.”
“I have to make sure they’re okay.”
The outcome? Exhaustion, frustration, or feeling unappreciated. You can’t fix someone else — and carrying their weight on your shoulders never brings peace.
The Victim
One of you may feel helpless, overwhelmed, or stuck, hoping the other will step in.
How it sounds:
“Why does this always happen to me?”
“I can’t do anything right.”
“You never understand me.”
Hoping someone else will fix it doesn’t work — you end up lonely, spiraling in your thoughts, disconnected from each other.
The Blamer
In this role, you speak from frustration, hoping to be heard or to make things change.
How it sounds:
“You never listen to me!”
“This is all your fault!”
“Why can’t you just understand?”
Blame pushes the other away instead of bringing you closer. You feel frustrated, disconnected, or even guilty. Pointing fingers never solves the problem.
One Pattern, Three Roles
This is what we call the Drama Triangle: three roles, one pattern, no peace. Even though the roles are different, the underlying cycle is the same: someone steps into a role, the other person reacts with another role and then the conversation spins in circles. The dynamic repeats itself, keeping both of you stuck and preventing connection or resolution.
How to Break the Pattern
The good news? You don’t have to stay stuck. Awareness is the way out. Notice your first reaction: the first words you want to say. Are they coming from a reactive place? Can you recognize one of these roles in yourself, or in him? Take a breath. Observe whether you can respond from somewhere else, a calmer, kinder part of you. That’s where peace begins.
Need Support?
If conversations feel exhausting or stuck in repeating patterns, coaching can help. Together, we’ll explore how to: recognise your roles in the Drama Triangle. Respond from a calmer, clearer place and communicate in ways that bring you closer instead of creating distance.
You don’t have to navigate this alone. You can create conversations that feel lighter, honest, and connected. Reach out for coaching today because you deserve conversations that bring peace, not exhaustion.